low self esteem musings

i have a problem, but i dont exactly know what it is. I'm not depressed, I love life. It just seems like I get these really strong feelings I'm not welcome when it's probably not true.
For instance, at home with my family I get this really strong feeling they don't want me there, I'm annoying them or I'm in their way.
Maybe I let it get to me because I feel guilty that I'm not everything they wanted me to be. I feel so angry and frustrated at myself for letting them down, and making them so dissappointed in me.
I was thinking the other day about things that I do, and why I do them. Almost everything I didnt come to "because I like it", but "because I want my parents to be proud."
I want to play roller derby well, so that Dad will be proud of me, like he is of my brother. If I was skinnier and fitter, Mum would like me more, and stop being so mad at me for being so ugly and fat.
If I had a real degree, and was a teacher, maybe then they'll be proud of me.
Thats really all I want. And it kills me that it's all my fault that I'm such a dissapointment.

It's sad, because I remember being confident. I loved myself. I thought I was hot shit. I had put on 10 kilos since highschool (so weighed 62kg), I was wearing short dresses, big shoes, bikinis, whatever. I thought I was hot.
But mum was harpin on me about how I was wearing inappropriate clothes for a girl my size, about how i should cover up because I'm not hot, I should wear one piece bathing suits, etc. I guess the constant reminders of that brought me down from my happy cloud. since then I've gained 6 or 7 kilos, I'm too ashamed to weigh myself now.
I cry a lot more too. I guess now, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a hot young girl, who loves to go out and party, I see a chubby, flabby, useless moron, who cant do anything right, and would rather stay home than go out because i'm ashamed to be out in public, to have people looking at me and taking photos.

I dont think its fair to bully your kids, you have to remember that we're people too, with feelings, and you are the most influential people in our lives. I want you to sit down with me and say "i'm really proud of you for being who you are".

18+ game classification in Australia

So, the argument has come up yet again about R18+ ratings on video games in Australia. In case you aren't aware, MA15+ is currently the highest rating you can give to a game in Australia, refering to "strong" impact, while anything with a "high" impact is rated RC- refused classification or banned.
Also, Australia is the ONLY first world country with NO adult rating on video games.
So, here is my argument.

I do not see why video games are any different to other forms of media: films, magazines, etc. We have many things in our society which you can not purchase if you are under 18, and it is illegal to purchase these on the behalf of minors; for instance alcohol, cigarettes, nudie mags. Why is it not possible to ban advertisements on these higher rated games, to keep them in plain cases (like nudie mags) so theres no cover art and keep them behind the counter like cigarettes, with just a list of games avaliable. And why cant we ask for ID to purchase?

People have argued that games, being interactive, have a greater impact on a person's ability to judge what is and isn't appropriate behaviour in the real world, like being exposed to extreme violence will make you think taking chainsaws to hookers is the cool thing to do(GTA reference, btw.). But here is my issue: game developers WANT their games to be sold in Australia, so currently they are tweaking their games to fit into the MA15+ rating.

For instance, Fallout 3 (2008) is an adult rated game in the US and UK, but was originally banned in Australia because the "drug" you took to regain health was called "extasy". The fact is that this game is set post WWII, after a nuclear disaster has left much of the US destroyed, and full of flesh eating zombies (radiation caused deformities in living people, not the undead. this seems very important for the rating board). The music, first of all, is cheerful wartime music, which is disturbing. The graphics are good, the concepts disturbing, and I am not sure the graphic nature of the game is appropraite for people under 18 (or 21, in some US states.) There is a video below of gameplay from Fallout 3, for your viewing. (Note how the innards and bones are visible when the first enemy is headshotted.)



There is also the problem of parental leniency. I was allowed to watch M15 and MA15 films when I was 12, because I was "practically there anyway" and "mature for my age". This seems to be the opinion of many parents. Taking Fallout3 above, for instance, which remember, is rated ADULT in the US, (and in some states, this means OVER 21!!!) and the only thing changed is a WORD. (For the record, it was changed from "extasy" to "drug X") So now it is avaliable for purchas in Australia, and the ratings board ASSUMES that under 15s arent playing it - but they are. The fact is that parents do not think MA15 is as serious as R18. No parent in their right mind would let a 12 year old watch and R18 movie, but MA15 is different.

The Argument that "allowing these games into Australia will allow children to access them" is inherantly flawed. First of all, they are already here, under the guise of a slightly watered down MA15 version, (it might not be straight vodka, but its still alcoholic!) ALSO, the controversy around the games re-rating gets more people interested, and they seek to access it illegally over the internet. Now, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Many games are avaliable to purchase legally online over a gaming engine called Steam. If you have an Australian ID, you can only purchase the MA15 version. BUT, if you have a US ID, you can purchase the adult version and "gift" it to anyone around the world, Australia included. There is no regulation on this: so Australians are paying Americans to purchase a game which is illegal here: and you only have to be over 13 to have a Steam account.

Are you starting to see now?
Some people say "games are for children, so these adult games are just masquerading in order to sell to children" and I think we all know this is wrong. Most game players, and purchasers in Austrlia are between the ages of 18 and 25. Mainly because children need thier parent's permission and money to buy games, and we (as adult gamers) don't. I think it is condisending to think that I have to play games like Super Mario Galaxy because games are "for children".
Also, if any parent buys these games for their children it is currently their choise. Under the MA15 rating there can be no penalty for supplying to minors. I think the government needs to regulate this immediately. I think people who buy MA15 games for their tweens need to be aware of what they are buying for their kids!

If you are still of the opinion that these games arent so bad, here's some clips of other games that were originally rated "RC" but then altered to be "MA15"


Now onto a gamer's perspective. Having a different rating from other countries ruins the online experience. The fact that Australians get booted off online games because a banned scene is coming up is not only annoying, but the rest of the world's gamers think of us as pussys. They dont want to play with us.

A scene fro Hitman where you poison some agents. Hitman also includes assasinations.


A scene fro Left for Dead 2 (a zombie game). The violence was toned down for Autralian audiences because the zombies were living people infected with a virus and not the undead, thus making the whole game a survivalist massacre.

what is selfish?

this morning my mum said i was selfish for being fat. She said that if i cared about other people i'd want to look nice for them, and should go on a diet. But last week she said Miranda Kerr was selfish for being so thin and successful. Sowhat is selfish? I think its selfish for concentrating on your body so much. Not to say thin people are selfish, but an obsession with your own body is. What do you think?

Studying Japanese and New Job!

So, here I am at home, studying Japanese for my written exam on Wednesday.
At the moment I'm trawling youtube for helpful songs to help me remember things, lol.
So far I've found a "days of the month song" for the "nichi" exceptions (1-10, 14, 20, 24) and a te form song, courtesy of Miss Hannah Minx. Both are very useful, and I am feeling more confident about this part of the exam now!
At 11, I'll be writing out kanji flashcards for myself. I hope I havent forgotten any!
Today I have work from 3-11pm at Dome, who were mean again and only gave me one shift this week.
But earlier this week I got a job at Exotic Body Piercing, as a receptionist. I've done 2 days of training so far, and will be working after November 16th (my last exam)
The problem is that my parents think it will look bad on my resume to have quit Dome for a body piercing place. Because body piercing has the reputation of being "dirty" and "boggy" like tattoos (which, of course, 90% of places are not) my parents think I am "chipping away at my future."
I just dont think I'll have time this summer to do all this! First off I have to finish my thesis costume by January 29th, I have to work 3 or 4 days a week at Exotics, 2 or 3 at Dome, go to roller derby training and lets not forget have a fun holiday!

I really just want to work somewhere where I'll learn something, until I study abroad in Japan, which will be about a year from now. After that, hopefully I can get a job teaching Japanese at schools, or teaching English in Japan as part of the JET program.
As much as I reitterate my goals to my parents they want me to be doing something NOW to forward my career. I need money, and then I can go to TAFE or something to do Japanese programs or teaching courses. I have goals and ambitions! I will achieve them!!! ^_^

... I hope.

having a good week :)

SO i'm having a pretty good week so far.
Yesterday I aced my Japanese test... although I think I might have forgotten to do a question in the homework :S Still, it's a good feeling to ace a test!
Then today I feel like I've achieved a lot. I got a clearance to skate in the bout (no contact for a week - damn sprained ankle!), then I filled by bodycast and finished fibreglassing the third cast of my shoulder. To top it off, my boots are ready to pick up! XD moving ahead, feeling good.
I had a massive sence of impending doom and failure last week, mainly driven by my work being a poo, and not giving me shifts, getting parking fines and generally stuff not going my way. But it looks like its turned around this week. So I'm going to ride the wave of happyness and productivity for as long as i can! :D
Do you have good weeks and bad weeks, where everything seems to go your way, or not?
Are you having a good week or bad week this week?

Having a whine about life, sorry.

Okay, so first up, if you don't want to listen to me complain, close the window now.

I got back from 3 weeks in Europe on Tuesday. Great, back home with my family, Mum Dad and Brother. Comments on Wednesday that got to me were:
"It was so quiet when you weren't here" (Brother)
"There was no drama when you weren't here" (Mum)
"Everything's going to change now Emma's back" (Mum)
That's nice. Makes me feel really wanted and loved guys.

So, I couldn't sleep Thursday night because I was stressed about uni. I was awake until 2:30ish and then got up at 10 and looked awful. After mum asked why I looked so tired, I told her. I then got berratted by Mum for "being so dramatic" and by my brother for "whining instead of getting on with what I have to do." When I pointed out that Mum had asked the question and I was just telling the truth (I'll admit it, in a raised voice, but they raised their voices first) Mum walked away, throwing her hands in the air and saying how it's all her fault because she's a bad mother etc etc guilt trip etc.

And this morning I woke up, ready to spend a Saturday with my family, (because I get the whole "you never spend any time with ussssssss" bull if I want to go to the movies) and get Dad to help me with my project, but no, they're all going to breakfast at Lee's football. When I woke up they were leaving and Mum said "you can come too if you want." Followed by "But we're already late so really you should have woken up earlier."
When I asked why nobody told me about it before, so I could come, Mum said "well you're never home so how were we meant to tell you?"

OKAY. First off I was home ALL yesterday afternoon, with you, Mum, until 6:30. Also, I was home all Thursday, until I went to skating, but you were at work. It's called a phone. I have one, you have one, what about a call, or a message? Even write a note and stick it on the fridge. Fuck, I'm not that hard to get hold of.

I hate the way this is made out to be my fault. I'm the bad guy, the one who's not welcome. The one who stresses everyone out and annoys everyone. I get it, you don't want me here. That's fine. Then why in the hell don't you let me move out? Every time I suggest it it's "you couldn't do it" or "you don't have any money" or "that's a really dumb idea" but I feel like maybe that's just everyone's low opinion of me. I feel really bad that I've made it from 15 to 21 and the whole time trying to make my family like me but still, STILL, everyone around me seems to loathe me. I don't get it. I'm a nice person, and I know people say that when they're really dicks but don't realise it, but I really do think I'm a ncie person. All my friends seem to think so, anyways. I just don't get why they hate me so much. I know, thats a bit "dramatic", but don't you bully people you hate? That's what this is, bullying, it's my mum and my brother trying to assert themselves by pushing me down. Why else would mum call me things like "trashy", "unemployable", "stupid", "fat", "ugly" etc, day in and day out? Because she doesn't want me to stand up for myself like my brother has.

And you know why I can't get a job? Because I feel bad saying good things about myself, because I think they're not true. I honnestly do think that I'm completely useless at everything. And every time I say it I get screamed at for being "dramatic" and "stupid", but I honnestly believe it. Maybe there's something wrong with me, or maybe there's not. Maybe there's something wrong with everyone else.

I think I need to get out of here, for my own sanity.
But I can't because I have no money.
And I can't get money because I have no job.
And I can't get a job because I think I'm useless.
Endless cycle.

Radelaide

So, yesterday I returned from the Great Southern Slam: the first ever national roller derby tournament held in Australia! There were 15 competing teams from around Australia and New Zealand, and I went to represent Perth.


It was heaps of fun, although a bit painful (I came out with a pinched nerve, some nasty bruises and a whole lot of sore muscles!) I enjoyed every second of it. I learnt so much from playing other leagues, as well as watching the better teams play. Overall, out of the 15 teams, Perth ranked 6th, behinds Victoria, Sun State, Adelaide, Pirate City and Geelong/Ballerat, all of whom have buckets more experience than us. So, we feel very proud of ourselves.



In our pool was Geelong/Ballerat and Potluck (a team made from WFTDA accredited skaters from various leagues who did not make it into their main team.) We lost to Geelong/Ballerat, then beat Potluck, and got through to the quarter finals on point differencial, where we were defeated by Pirate City.


I got heaps of video and some pictures (but I lost my photo-camera O.o) so soon I will have edited the footage together into some sort of highlights clip, which I will share with you. For now, here's some pictures of my team that I've gathered from Facebook and Flickr. All rights to the owners.

Our Bench

Hot Wheels braving the Pirate City blockers

Vs. the Mulrats (Thats me on the left in the blue dress!)

Hot Wheels taking on a Geelong/Ballerat blocker

Miss Erotica Deville taking her position in the pack

Vintage Pattern, Modern Look

So, at my uni they are doing the production Anything Goes, which is set in the late 40s/early 50s (not quite sure exactly.) One of the dresses for the production was based on a vintage Simplicity pattern, which had missing pieces. The Head Cutting Assistant, Indi, redrafted the bodice, and made the skirt a full circle. Originally the skirt was quite straight, obviously for fabric rationing.

If you like, I can get the original pattern number from uni but, as I said, most of it has been redrafted and is not the original pattern. Anyways, here's my pictures.

I know mirror pictures are awful, but it's really hard to see the pleating and triangular belt otherwise. Still, its really hard to see here.

I'll be wearing this dress to the afterparty in Adelaide in two weekends time: hopefully I'll get some really good pictures there.

Four reasons i love Japan

Japan, for me, is a magical world where all the things I love come together in the craziest way. I love the over the top fashion, the cute school uniforms, the music, the hairstyles and the food. But thanks to fuckyeahjapan I can bring you some images which illistrate how much I love Japan: where the eccentrics run free ^_^

This is the hairstyle I want: a perfect fringe with big, long, wavy hair which is somehow perfect...

Japan is where Rockstars can be tools and people love them more for it

Where normal girls rock the hottest fashion all the time

And of course there's ninjas.

I want to go to Japan so bad! I wish I was born there. I think I'd feel right at home browsing the crazy fashion and wearing petticoats and flase eyelashes every day. It's a wonderful place where you can be whatever you want to be. Also, I hear the sushi is pretty good.

The Room

Last night some of my friends invited me to go and see The Room at Luna cinemas. I had nothing better to do, so I went along. And I'm so glad I did! It was the most fun I've had in such a long time.


The Room is a tale of betrayed love, written, produced, directed and starring the infamous Tommy Waseau. Other cast members are unknowns, and I think they will be for the rest of their lives.

If you've never heard of it before, The Room is the worst movie of all time. It's the Citizen Cain of bad movies. It is so bad, infact, that there is a game the whole cinemo plays along with the movie, including yelling "Spoons!" and throwing plastic spoons everytime there is a framed picture of a spoon, saying "Hi Denny" and "Bye Denny" every time the lovable but slightly useless character Denny enters of exits the scene, cheering the panning shots of the Golden Gate Bridge, and yelling "meanwhile in San Fransisco" every time there was a city establishing shot. It is so much fun and I would definately go and see it again.

If you have nothing better to do, I suggest grabbing some friends and heading down to the Luna for a watch! I promise you'll have a great time!

Such a long time!

It's been so long since I've blogged! Naughty me! And I promised you pictures and everything.

In 4 weeks I'll be off to Adelaide to compete in the Great Southern Slam - the first ever national Australian Roller Derby tournament, including 14 teams from all over Australia and New Zealand. It's a knockout tournament, so maybe my team won't get past the first day, but it's very exciting none the less! I'll get to see some really great teams compete! :D If you're in Adelaide on the weekend of the 12th of June, check it out! http://greatsouthernslam.com.au/

I'm going to be super busy in the coming weeks. I have an assignment to do for Friday and one for Monday, and then an essasy in two weeks. I've got my helmet to finish for two weeks, and my fashion awards to get to an acceptable stage to photograph for my folio. I promise, when my helmet is finished, I'll tell you how I did it!

So here's some pictures that I promised you: My steampunk outfit, my hairstyle from my 21st Birthday lunch, and then some of the Rockabilly night last saturday at the roller rink. I hope I get a chance to blog again soon!

Wondering?

So today I am heading out to a tea party in Kings park with one of my friends and her other friends. It's themed, so it's a dress up as Steampunk tea party. I've never done steampunk, so I hope I've done it okay.

Dad told me a few weeks ago that Mum is really upset because she feels like she has failed as a parent. Now, this is probably my fault for having an emotional breakdown after I realised I was wasting my life away in a degree that won't get me anywhere. I've had a few of these breakdowns, but one was during a conversation with Mum.

Just now she asked me: "Do you dress up stupid and go and illicit attention in public because I was such a bad parent?" before storming off. First off, I enjoy dressing up because it's fun. I like costumes and fashion and putting things together and wearing them. I am not attention seeking. It's just that dressing up is boring by yourself. I don't understand how dressing up with friends reflects badly on you as a parent? If you know what she means, please tell me. (I can't talk to her, she's locked in her room now. *sigh*)

Perhaps I am being immature and silly. Perhaps, now that I'm 21 and all grown up, I should act like an adult and wear nothing but jeans and tshirts all the time. But I think you get the same amount of attention no matter what you wear. People look at you because you're fat/thin, tall/short, pale/tanned, whatever. If people stare at me, I don't even notice, because I've been bought up not to care about that stuff. I'm just a little eccentric. Doesn't mean I'm a bad person... or that my parents are.

Maybe my Mum's just a bit of a narsisist. It worries me that she takes things such as me dressing up as a personal insult. Perhaps she is slightly mad? I don't know.

Anyways, Mum is mad at me so I better not let her see me for the next half hour before I leave. And I better find some sort of container to carry cupcakes in.
Photos posted later
xxx

Irregular Choice is My Choice

Today my good friend Jude linked me to the most amazing website, with these great, individual shoes, that i just adore: Irregular Choice.



These are some of my favourites! They are reasonably priced, but not reasonably enough to warrent me going on a mad shopping spree. Sooo if anybody feels like giving me a belated 21st present, I would LOVE some of these. I'm a size 38 :P

10 week goal

So, in 10 weeks I am going on a European Holiday with my boyfriend. Lately, I have been feeling like I look very frumpy in photographs, and I want the photos from my holidays to be nice, because it will be a once in a lifetime kind of holiday. So, I am aiming to lose 10 kilos in 10 weeks by counting my calories and really putting in an effort at the gym.

Here's one of these photos which I saw and went "blergh!"


For the record, I am 162cm tall and weigh 65kg. I know that's not particually heavy, but I feel like I would feel better at 55kg, just because I am feeling unsexy in all my clothes, so I'm doing something about it!
So thats my aim! I am usual calorieking.com.au to count my calories. I'm only aloud to eat 1200 a day.

So today was day 1, and i've failed. I accidently converted my calories to kilojoules wrong and have eaten 1600 calories today instead of 1200. However, I didn't have a coke. Now that I know, I won't make the mistake again. Oh well! One day won't matter. Just try harder tomorrow! ^_^
Also, I have a pair of shorts

Lady Gaga Monster Ball Tour

So, I went to Lady Gaga's Concert the other night. I was amazed! If she hasn't come to your city yet you MUST go and see her! She has the most amazing outfits, the most enthralling show and, to top it all off, its edgy and confronting and not appropriate for children.
Anyways, I thought it was great, and so here's some pictures of what I wore. I was in the Mosh mind you, which is why I went with cons rather than heels, and shorts rather than a skirt.



I didnt realise what an unflattering angle that photo was at until now! Sucks having to take photos of yourself all the time, and not having a tripod.
I bought some great new stuff for the gaga concert: some black hair extentions (super fake OFC) and some pink glitter eyeshadow. Its really great, and it stays on really well! I bought it from Gloss Accessories for only $10, and it comes in heaps of different colours!

Getting Retro Cool

On Friday I went out to Deville's with some of the girls from Roller Derby, kind of a meet and greet social occassion for our new recruits. I wore a great outfit, and I have to share it, because I love it to bits. The dress is 80s, the hat is from Red Skull, a local label, everything else vintage or bought. I had a really great time and would suggest Deville's for anyone looking for a good night out in Perth. Enjoy! ^_^

What I'm in to now.

Well, anyone who knows me knows I'm a crazy mad anime fan. They will also know, if they bothered to talk to me (and listen! lol) that I watch them in Japanese with English subtitles. I hope that this will help with my Japanese, if only to hear how it sounds... ^_^
At the moment I'm watching a few series: Initial D (First Stage) and Lucky Star. Initial D is a very boyish: its about drifting and being part of a drifting club. Its quite interesting though, how they develop characters and create conflict and love interests through such a repetitive medium.
Lucky Star is a bit random and funny: its about some high school girls and their every day goings on. But somehow, it's hilarious! They also do parodys of other animes, for instance Initial D. It had me in hysterics. Its more of a girly anime, but it's not a romance or anything: its more of a comedy.
So if you like anime, check them out. Also, what animes do you like?
My favourite that I've seen so far has to be Death Note.

Here's the theme song from Lucky Star: I cant get it out of my head! Its just so fun!!! ^_^

Birthday Dress!

So i made a dress to wear to my birthday lunch on March 28th. It's pretty swish and with the grandparents and everyone so I wanted something nice, modest and afternoony (as in, not eveningwear, lol). So, I used the same pattern as before (Simplicity 3769), except the skirt is two pieces instead of three (because of fabric restrictions), removed the ties (i thought a belt would be nicer) and i changed the back zip to a side zip. Here's some pictures from around the house!

^_^



(apologies for the sideways pictures. I've tried uploading them 1000 times, and for some reason they won't rotate.)
I really love it! I can't wait to get some really nice pictures at my 21st lunch in a few weeks: I'll post some here. My homework is driving me crazy and I haven't got enough sleep since last Friday, I'm about to implode. I just have to keep on going and going and hoping I don't collapse. I've been doing quite well in my Japanese classes, getting 100% in every test, and I'm starting to be able to read hirigana and katakana in words and simple sentences. Lily and I are a lot faster at picking it up than most of the class it seems. My next sewing job I'm working on is an Orihime Inuoe cosplay (summer schoolgirl) from Bleach, and my fashion awards dress, which is based on the Simplicity 3769 pattern, but isnt exactly the same. Wish me luck!

Retro Summer Dress

I had some spare time over the past two days, so I decided to make a dress from a vintage pattern I have, Simplicity 3769. I used some lovely hawaiian - palm tree print poplin and made the sash of a plain drill. I wanted a light, simple summer dress, and also to see if the pattern worked to use for a more expensive project later in the year. This is how it turned out!


The pattern - Mine was a size 14, Bust 34.





I'm really pleased with it! :) And check out my funky retro hairstyle. Pretty nifty for something i did in ten minutes! ;D

Love Hat

Today I was inspired by Audrey Kitching's post here http://audrey.buzznet.com/user/journal/6674161/diy-topshop-heart-hat/
Making a Valentines themed fascinator / hat.
Here's a photo of mine!



I think it would be fun to make lots of different ones in different colours and shapes. :)

Out in Perth

Satan's Advocate, Maggie Snatcher and I (Trans Em) did an interview about Perth Roller Derby with Amy from Out in Perth which hits stands today! So, if you're around and you see one, grab it, and check us out. Here's some sexy pics of us to get you inspired to skate!
for more info head to www.perthrollerderby.com.au or email enquiries@perthrollerderby.com.au

I'm Alive!

So I'm back from work experience, and it was great, and freezing and snowing! Such a novelty for me.
I've been feeling very creative and inspired recently and so I've made a few things including a silver dress and a Indian headress (Inspired by Audrey Kitching). So far I only have a decent photo of the headdress, but I'm wearing the silver dress this weekend so I should get a sweet photo of that for you soon! Anyways, headdress. Love it or Hate it? I love it, but my friends yesterday thought it was lame. What do you think?

Yummy Marshmellows!!! :P