Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Why I hate myself and why it's retarded

Okay, so I hate myself. I really do. And it's not that strange, really. I mean, how many women really like themselves? I bet you can't honnestly say that you do. But it's all for retarded, stupid reasons. And now I'm going to list them for some sort of theraputic reasons.

- I think I'm fat and hate myself for it.
Now, I anm 164cm tall and weigh 68kg. So I am technically overweight. Wow, even writing that makes me feel awful. I have no issue seeing the numbers or anything, I remember when I used to see 48kg. Every time I go out I look at photos and want to cry. I feel like my life is shit and everything is going wrong because I'm so useless I can't even be a decent weight. It should be one of the easiest things to do and I cant even do that. What a retard.
But I know it's not true. My insecurities stem from my mum. I was happy and confident (and 56kg) until my mum decided that "she needed to tell me the truth" because I was "packing on the weight" and started beratting me daily about what I eat, how much, poking my thighs, my butt, my stomach. And all that did was make me feel worse about myself and make me want to hide away. And I gained 10kg. SO pretty sure that backfired.
But it's not my mum's fault, it's my own fault for letting her get to me. I could have ignored her, I could have eaten well despite but no, I don't have that control over myself. And I hate myself for that.

- Nobody takes me seriously.
Because I'm a woman, and I'm not hot. And I don't have a decent degree.
See above. If I was skinnier, I feel like people would take me seriously. I feel like nobody likes me because they see that I have no control over myself, because I'm fat.


- I feel like a failure at life (and I'm only 21)
I feel like every choice I've ever made has been wrong. I feel like I went to the wrong high school, made the wrong friends, had the wrong study habits, had the wrong hobbies, picked the wrong upper school subjects, went to the wrong uni, did the wrong course and now I'm somebody I never wanted to be and it';s all my fault. All my life goals? Out the window. I'll never achieve them. And it's my fault. It's all my fault.

*double sigh*

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Bullying. It's fucking lame.

So here comes a full frontal attack on bullying. Without naming names, (because that will get me in trouble, because I'm not allowed to say negetive things about particular things because I could get an official warning. Which in itself is retarded, but anyway.) I am now going to vent and rant and rave about the craptacular thing which is bullying by adult women.


Women suck. I have known this for a looong time, and that is why most of my friends are guys. Guys say what they mean how they mean it and are not afraid to stand by it. And if you don't like it, you can say something to them and they'll stick by their word. Even if they admit they were wrong to have said it, they'll never deny saying it.

Women on the other hand say what they don't mean, say things they shouldn't, deny they said things, manipulate, bully and make people feel socially outcast. They do it in high school: create a group with similar likes, fashion styles and hobbies and pretty soon everyone else is on the out. It is also ingrained in women from a very young age that to be accepted by other women is most important. But that's a whole other issue.

When I did dance as a teenager, I was on the out. I only did four classes a week so I wasn't "in" with all the other girls who did six, seven, eight, twenty classes a week. I had also come in at 12 so wasn't in with the ones who had started when they were two. I was also not tanned and blonde, I didnt go to parties (I wasn't invited anyway) and didnt teach kiddie classes. But, when I was 16 I got put in the front row. Suddenly I was popular, people wanted to be my friend, I got invited to the parties, and it was all because I was put in a position they envied.


Anyways, women are weird and I don't always understand why they do what they do. But sports are meant to be fun and inclusive, especially ones where there's no bog trophy at the end. But there's always someone who is a complete and utter twat and makes people feel uncomfortable in their presence. When my brother played football he was told he needed to "get his priorities right" by the coach. That is, skip uni classes to attend trainings. When he didn't do that, he was dropped. It always seems to be people in power who feel the need to flex their biceps and push people around.

I don't know if that feels good or something, but it's pretty shit for everyone on the recieving end.
In a round about way, I'm trying to say that there is a woman at the moment who is being an asshat. She is negetive, rude and snarky, says things she shouldn't say and won't admit when she is wrong. She is on a complete power trip and more than once I have had to move away from her because I have felt uncomfortable about the things she has said. Two of my closest friends have had major issues with her and have both left. Not only do I now feel alone, but vulnerable. Both of my friends have raised concerns through proper procedure and both of their claims have been dismissed and denied by this woman. So, they left. I am at the moment feeling like I don't want to go to places where she is because I don't feel happy at all and I'm not having fun.
To be honnest, it feels like high school, where some Queen Bee makes everyone else feel like shit all the time whether she means to or not. And so what can we plebs do? Either quit school, change schools or put up with it.

The question now is what am I going to do.