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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Why I hate myself and why it's retarded

Okay, so I hate myself. I really do. And it's not that strange, really. I mean, how many women really like themselves? I bet you can't honnestly say that you do. But it's all for retarded, stupid reasons. And now I'm going to list them for some sort of theraputic reasons.

- I think I'm fat and hate myself for it.
Now, I anm 164cm tall and weigh 68kg. So I am technically overweight. Wow, even writing that makes me feel awful. I have no issue seeing the numbers or anything, I remember when I used to see 48kg. Every time I go out I look at photos and want to cry. I feel like my life is shit and everything is going wrong because I'm so useless I can't even be a decent weight. It should be one of the easiest things to do and I cant even do that. What a retard.
But I know it's not true. My insecurities stem from my mum. I was happy and confident (and 56kg) until my mum decided that "she needed to tell me the truth" because I was "packing on the weight" and started beratting me daily about what I eat, how much, poking my thighs, my butt, my stomach. And all that did was make me feel worse about myself and make me want to hide away. And I gained 10kg. SO pretty sure that backfired.
But it's not my mum's fault, it's my own fault for letting her get to me. I could have ignored her, I could have eaten well despite but no, I don't have that control over myself. And I hate myself for that.

- Nobody takes me seriously.
Because I'm a woman, and I'm not hot. And I don't have a decent degree.
See above. If I was skinnier, I feel like people would take me seriously. I feel like nobody likes me because they see that I have no control over myself, because I'm fat.

*sigh*

- I feel like a failure at life (and I'm only 21)
I feel like every choice I've ever made has been wrong. I feel like I went to the wrong high school, made the wrong friends, had the wrong study habits, had the wrong hobbies, picked the wrong upper school subjects, went to the wrong uni, did the wrong course and now I'm somebody I never wanted to be and it';s all my fault. All my life goals? Out the window. I'll never achieve them. And it's my fault. It's all my fault.

*double sigh*

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear. You're right, that IS retarded.
- I'm American, so I had to translate, but yeah, I guess you're a bit heavy. Not huge, not FAT, just on the meaty side. I doubt if you're scaring children. If you want to see FAT, come to America!
-No one takes you seriously because you don't take yourself seriously.
-Good heavens child, you're a baby yet! If you don't like where your life is heading, change it. I would say this to anyone, much less someone who's still an infant!

I'm glad you know these reasons are all retarded.

tez jonson said...

Hey I want you know that reading this helped me feel better. I hate myself too, and it helps to know I'm not alone. It's funny to hear you say that being heavier makes people not take you seriously. I think people took me more seriously before I lost weight. It may be a cultural difference, I am American.

phlummox said...

I don't know what you're mum's talking about! I've seen your pics at Model Mayhem and on your Facebook page - you look awesome!

You are hot, and there is still plenty of time to study at university. Hey, I've just gone back to university to study, and I'm much older than you. It's just a matter of saving up, getting help to get your finances in order if necessary, and studying what you want to - maybe part-time at first, full-time if things go well.