Friday, July 23, 2010

Having a whine about life, sorry.

Okay, so first up, if you don't want to listen to me complain, close the window now.

I got back from 3 weeks in Europe on Tuesday. Great, back home with my family, Mum Dad and Brother. Comments on Wednesday that got to me were:
"It was so quiet when you weren't here" (Brother)
"There was no drama when you weren't here" (Mum)
"Everything's going to change now Emma's back" (Mum)
That's nice. Makes me feel really wanted and loved guys.

So, I couldn't sleep Thursday night because I was stressed about uni. I was awake until 2:30ish and then got up at 10 and looked awful. After mum asked why I looked so tired, I told her. I then got berratted by Mum for "being so dramatic" and by my brother for "whining instead of getting on with what I have to do." When I pointed out that Mum had asked the question and I was just telling the truth (I'll admit it, in a raised voice, but they raised their voices first) Mum walked away, throwing her hands in the air and saying how it's all her fault because she's a bad mother etc etc guilt trip etc.

And this morning I woke up, ready to spend a Saturday with my family, (because I get the whole "you never spend any time with ussssssss" bull if I want to go to the movies) and get Dad to help me with my project, but no, they're all going to breakfast at Lee's football. When I woke up they were leaving and Mum said "you can come too if you want." Followed by "But we're already late so really you should have woken up earlier."
When I asked why nobody told me about it before, so I could come, Mum said "well you're never home so how were we meant to tell you?"

OKAY. First off I was home ALL yesterday afternoon, with you, Mum, until 6:30. Also, I was home all Thursday, until I went to skating, but you were at work. It's called a phone. I have one, you have one, what about a call, or a message? Even write a note and stick it on the fridge. Fuck, I'm not that hard to get hold of.

I hate the way this is made out to be my fault. I'm the bad guy, the one who's not welcome. The one who stresses everyone out and annoys everyone. I get it, you don't want me here. That's fine. Then why in the hell don't you let me move out? Every time I suggest it it's "you couldn't do it" or "you don't have any money" or "that's a really dumb idea" but I feel like maybe that's just everyone's low opinion of me. I feel really bad that I've made it from 15 to 21 and the whole time trying to make my family like me but still, STILL, everyone around me seems to loathe me. I don't get it. I'm a nice person, and I know people say that when they're really dicks but don't realise it, but I really do think I'm a ncie person. All my friends seem to think so, anyways. I just don't get why they hate me so much. I know, thats a bit "dramatic", but don't you bully people you hate? That's what this is, bullying, it's my mum and my brother trying to assert themselves by pushing me down. Why else would mum call me things like "trashy", "unemployable", "stupid", "fat", "ugly" etc, day in and day out? Because she doesn't want me to stand up for myself like my brother has.

And you know why I can't get a job? Because I feel bad saying good things about myself, because I think they're not true. I honnestly do think that I'm completely useless at everything. And every time I say it I get screamed at for being "dramatic" and "stupid", but I honnestly believe it. Maybe there's something wrong with me, or maybe there's not. Maybe there's something wrong with everyone else.

I think I need to get out of here, for my own sanity.
But I can't because I have no money.
And I can't get money because I have no job.
And I can't get a job because I think I'm useless.
Endless cycle.