Monday, November 15, 2010

low self esteem musings

i have a problem, but i dont exactly know what it is. I'm not depressed, I love life. It just seems like I get these really strong feelings I'm not welcome when it's probably not true.
For instance, at home with my family I get this really strong feeling they don't want me there, I'm annoying them or I'm in their way.
Maybe I let it get to me because I feel guilty that I'm not everything they wanted me to be. I feel so angry and frustrated at myself for letting them down, and making them so dissappointed in me.
I was thinking the other day about things that I do, and why I do them. Almost everything I didnt come to "because I like it", but "because I want my parents to be proud."
I want to play roller derby well, so that Dad will be proud of me, like he is of my brother. If I was skinnier and fitter, Mum would like me more, and stop being so mad at me for being so ugly and fat.
If I had a real degree, and was a teacher, maybe then they'll be proud of me.
Thats really all I want. And it kills me that it's all my fault that I'm such a dissapointment.

It's sad, because I remember being confident. I loved myself. I thought I was hot shit. I had put on 10 kilos since highschool (so weighed 62kg), I was wearing short dresses, big shoes, bikinis, whatever. I thought I was hot.
But mum was harpin on me about how I was wearing inappropriate clothes for a girl my size, about how i should cover up because I'm not hot, I should wear one piece bathing suits, etc. I guess the constant reminders of that brought me down from my happy cloud. since then I've gained 6 or 7 kilos, I'm too ashamed to weigh myself now.
I cry a lot more too. I guess now, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a hot young girl, who loves to go out and party, I see a chubby, flabby, useless moron, who cant do anything right, and would rather stay home than go out because i'm ashamed to be out in public, to have people looking at me and taking photos.

I dont think its fair to bully your kids, you have to remember that we're people too, with feelings, and you are the most influential people in our lives. I want you to sit down with me and say "i'm really proud of you for being who you are".


Vivian V. Dimples said...

Besided the part about your parents, you've just desribed my mind set too. I often feel unwanted, that I'm annoying or in peoples way. I feel fat and ugly, very diffrent to what I felt three years ago.

You and I, Em, we are the same. And you should come live with me and I will be proud of you all the time. I AM proud of you.

Anonymous said...

ok so I stumbled across your blog by accident (How did you find working with Kate Guinness by the way?)
and just want to say that you will be ok..
And to keep your chin up.
From what Iv'e seen of your blog you are a good person. Not ugly and definitely not fat. From the sounds of it your mum is not sure how to cope with the fact that you are a person making your own choices now, rather than her young daughter. So talk to her about it, or realise that you might not be able to see eye to eye for a while and try to move out. Maybe trying to strengthen your relationships with your other family members would help too.
Brings me to my second point I know it might not seem like it, but if you want it there is enough work to survive as a costume maker. It just depends on what you do, how you do it, and where you are. I'm not sure Perth has enough places to keep the entire Wappa course afloat. But it also relies on you being certain its what you want as a career, not just as a fun side skill.
Anyway I've rambled enough so my email is if you want more advice about the wardrobe/work thing.
Good luck